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The Effects of Divorce on Children Part 1
There are very few tragedies that impact a child more than the splitting of his or her parents. The foundation for a child is their parents; both of them.
Going through a divorce creates a tragedy for the child. The effects of the court system undermine the very people the child needs to lean on most: mom and dad. Most teachers believe boys suffer more and are less adaptable then girls. I don’t agree. I think boys are more simple creatures so reflect more outwardly the horrible disaster divorce has on them. But there is absolutely no question that the better parents get along, even after a split, the better off children are in both the short and long term.
To understand the effects of divorce on children, we will first look at the divorce process, core problems in the system, then how this affects children.
The Divorce Process
When a young law student wrote to me with questions on Facebook, I mentioned two flaws of the family law system from the point of view of couples going through it. Before I mention those two core problems, there is another, greater flaw from an objective and higher point of view.
The body of family law corrupts what is known as “rule by law” (the basis of Roman and thus English and American law). It does this by the nearly unlimited discretion imparted to judges. Legislators want to allow for almost anything in “the name of” helping the family, thus family law has become a free-for-all that rarely is “just” or beneficial to the family. Unfortunately, numerous practitioners prey on families in the guise of trying to help.
When a couple walks into the courtroom it is never known what the outcome will be until the judge has issued his orders. Even after the judge has ruled, he is not obligated to explain his decision. I have seen sensible recommendations completely ignored. I have also seen insane recommendations turned into parenting orders. Because of this imbalance, polarized parents become extreme in their efforts to preserve their position and often create an irreconcilable riff that will take years to heal, if ever. The stress of going through the family court system always negatively impacts both mom and dad, creating losses that are visible financially and invisible emotionally.
Two core problems with family law are:
1) Court appointed psychologists
2) Court appointed minor’s counsel and mediators
Core problem 1 – Court Appointed Psychologists
Court appointed psychologists are are protected by statute even more then an elected official. In California for instance, psychologists have “absolute protection” and can say anything they want without facing discipline of any kind.
I am familiar with one case where a court ordered report was put together by two highly respected clinical psychologists. The report was primarily created by an intern. Despite being her very first case, her findings were signed off by a clinical psychologist even before he met either of the parents. The report was so biased and emotionally charged that it was actually thrown out of court by the judge. Despite this, there was no admonishment of the psychologists by the judge and the 20,000 dollar cost of the report was charged to the un favored parent. On top of that, the clinical psychologist was hired by the favored parent to give evidence at trial against the other parent, whom he had never even met.
It is incredibly unfortunate that cases such as this are common. Despite the fact that most family law attorneys consider the psychology used by professionals to be voodoo, many judges have stated “it’s the only thing we have.” It’s kind of like using witch doctors to treat patients because there are no real doctors around.
Core problem 2 – Minor’s Counsel
The next great problem in the family law system is the freedom of minor’s counsel, who acts as the judge’s “investigator” in difficult cases. An opposing attorney may not cross examine minor’s consul, thus allowing the judge to hear evidence which is completely subjective, and often incorrect. His “facts” are not subjected to the scrutiny of those who may be accused of all sorts of things. In a normal law court, anything anyone says is scrutinized; a process that squeezes the truth out of opposing people’s positions. Couples are not allowed this basic right.
Once a couple enters into the family law system, chances are very good the couple will be disgusted with each other for many years, sometimes the most vulnerable and important years for the children.
Continued here http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/blog/the-effects-of-divorce-on-children-part-2.html” The Effects Of Divorce On Children Part 2, we will look at how this system directly affects children.
Paul Friedman
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/the-effects-of-divorce-on-children-part-1-674975.html
6 Responses to “The Effects of Divorce on Children Part 1”
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How do young children generally deal with their parents separation/divorce?
I’m asking because I’ve been curious.
part of the reason I stay with my husband is because I worry what the effect would be on our children if we seperated. My husband has made it clear that he wants this marriage and does NOT want to seperate and therefor would likely try to make things difficult to actually leave, I don’t see any effort on his part to make changes and get councelling so that we can stay married happily.
I wonder if the children would be better off with us married or divorced.
I just really want to know how the kids will be affected.
They are only 5 and 2..
Thanks for you answers
they think it’s their fault, it’s a drastic change, my friend told me, atleast she use to be. after the divorce she went extreme emo. it depends. a 2 year old is kind of young, she needs both her parents there at that time. a 5 year old’s heart would just be ripped in half.
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some kids may take it easier than others and some it may mess them up a bit. for me i use to think it was my fault that mommy and daddy weren’t togather; or that dadddy didn’t want me anymore. the children may become depressed later once they realize what happened or they may resent the parent who left. counciling will help kids and parents through tough times. but that’s just my take…..
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it depends on the child to be honest – there is no blanket answer.
Some kids take it in stride – others have issues – you just have to watch their actions, listen to what they say and react according to each child’s personal needs. If they are taking it badly, you get them into counseling.
It doesn’t make sense to stay in a marriage for the "sake of the kids"…because what are you teaching them? That being in an unhappy relationship is acceptable? that being treated with disrespect is healthy? that communication isn’t important?
children live and learn what they know – if you want your children to grow up and have healthy relationships – you need to reflect it in yours – you are their most influential teacher.
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It totally depends on the relationship between the parents and the children. If the kids dont see their parent(s) much anyway then it wont make the biggest difference in the world. If the kids and parent(s) are close then it may be even easier to explain it to them, but tread carefully in that matter. If they grow up seeing their parents unhappy in their relationship then it will only make their adult lives harder…they wont have a healthy example of how to be comfortable in a relationship. Every child is different and reactions can differ even among siblings. Hope I helped.
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My grandson was 5 when his parents divorced and my daughter moved forward without missing a beat. She acted as if this were the most normal thing in the world. He realized that he would have a roof over his head and food in his stomach and that mama and daddy both loved him and he was fine. If the grown ups act like grown ups and treat each other with respect the children will be fine. If you continue to argue together or apart they will not. The two year old is too busy trying to conquer the world to care. I would suggest that you rethink a divorce though. Are the things in your marriage that bother you really divorce stuff. Sometimes in marriage especially when you’re younger you argue for the sake of arguing and complain for the sake of complaining. I am not saying that you are, I am just suggesting that just for today you step back and completely assess the situation and see if there’s anything you can do to make it better.
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